So today a girl a couple doors down from me (in my college residence hall) opened her window and tried to jump to her death but survived. This has me feeling a million things.
1. Terrified. In 2 semesters, this is the 4th student to attempt or succeed in taking their own life. Last semester, 3 students in my residence hall died. It’s surrounding me and I’m feeling so overwhelmed by it.
2. Trapped. Of the 4 students, I only knew 1. What this means is I’m not allowed to care or feel anything strongly. I couldn’t help but cry today and last semester. Both times I was told I was overreacting.
3. Worthless. Pictured first are two of the texts I received from “friends” who heard a girl in my building jumped out her window. This was right after it happened so nobody knew concrete details like her name, floor, or if she survived. Instead of checking to make sure I was alright, multiple people texted me just asking for the scoop. Then I got a few texts from an old friend group that decided to stop hanging out with or even talking to me, asking if I was okay. I let them know I was alive. They said they were glad. Each conversation was 3-4 texts long. I probably won’t hear from them again until someone else that matches my description dies.
4. Angry. It took 2 hours for people to stop caring. For about 2 hours, one of the most popular apps for our campus was filled with love and support and resources. Then it was back to the same meaningless stuff. People honestly seem to be all talk as well. One hour after it happened, I was on our student bus on the way back to my hall and broke down. I wasn’t crying loudly, but people still noticed. I walked from the bus to my building (where a girl had just jumped) with red, swollen eyes and messed makeup. I walked into the building and took the elevator up 9 floors with a few other people. Almost everyone I passed noticed but nobody said a thing. A girl just took her life and people still didn’t care enough to reach out. People can Yak about “I’ll give you a hug if you need” or “I would talk to you!” but offline…
5. Unmotivated. I came home from class around 6pm, got into bed, and haven’t moved since. I have a class in the morning that I could be doing better in, but I can’t bring myself to get up and do the few homework activities. I have a brand new internship that I was incredibly excited about right after class but at this point, I’m trying to think of excuses not to go so I can stay in bed even longer. I wonder how long I would have to stay in bed for someone to notice my absence, other than my professors that take attendance. Even if someone noticed, I wonder how long it would take for them to care enough to do anything other than make sure I’m alive.
I don’t really know why I’m writing all this as I’m sure it’s much too long for anyone to care to read. I think I just wanted a forum to vent to where I could remain relatively anonymous.
Well, that’s that.
I hope others are having a good day and feeling more optimistic than I am.